I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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