my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
