it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
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