and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
