the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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