if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
