omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
