you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I miss vodka workout Fridays
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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