stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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