Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
