You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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