last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
