Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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