Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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