found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
