if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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