I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize