The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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