Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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