This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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