ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
