Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
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