so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
