wakey wakey hands off snakey
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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