You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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