Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
