Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just had sex on a roof
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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