i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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