It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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