the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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