remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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