i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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