smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
