Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
