i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
