So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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