it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
