Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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