She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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