Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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