isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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