Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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