What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
