I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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