I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
