I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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