That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
