OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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