why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize