zippers are such a cool invention
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
