So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
