My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
