Screwed.edu
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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