maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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