The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize