ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
