you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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