Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
