It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
